I wish I could say as the months have passed that life has become easier and the levels of anguish have subsided. It hasn’t.
You quickly learn how to manage yourself and the people you are responsible for but this is simply survival.
While I might not have fully accepted the loss of Lou’s life, after fourteen months I’ve accepted that she’s not coming back. I was obviously fully aware of this the day that she died, but the perpetual daily reminders make it hard. You still have great support around you but the raw reality of being on your own sinks in.
Upon reflection, attempting to understand where my emotions and thoughts lie, I may have put some false hope on getting through the “year of the firsts.” Once I passed the anniversary of Louise’s death, I thought this was a milestone that would reduce some of the grief that I uncomfortably carry around.
Those close to Lou have all had to endure many of the difficult “firsts” that grievers dread; birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, school events. But the one-year mark really only signifies that we’ve learned how to live in a world without her. The more time goes on the more you don’t want to live in this world without her. That’s the hard part, that’s the part that is hard to accept. Not wanting to be in this situation, alone.
I guess that’s why depression is always number four in the five stages of grief, (I accept the stages don’t necessarily fall in order though).
I’m really happy where Noah and Evie are at, they are little mini-Lou-warriors. Words simply can’t express how much I admire my (our) children. Without them, It’s a scary thought how hard it would be to stay on the rails, travelling in the right direction. My two beautiful little dependencies give me direction, they give me purpose.
I think I’m at one of those little humps whereby you need to listen to your emotions and accept the reality of the loss.
It’s ok to hurt.
I found this today in one of Lou’s notebooks:
Look at the stars
Look how they shine for you
And everything you do
Yeah they were all yellow
I came along
I wrote a song for you
And all the things you do
And it was called “Yellow”So then I took my turn
Oh what a thing to have done
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah, your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
You know, you know I love you so
You know I love you soI swam across
I jumped across for you
Oh what a thing to do
‘Cause you were all yellow
I drew a line
I drew a line for you
Oh what a thing to do
And it was all yellow
Your skin
Oh yeah your skin and bones
Turn into something beautiful
And you know
For you I’d bleed…
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