Yesterday Was A Bad Day On The Rollercoaster

Yesterday was a bad day on the rollercoaster. Tough, overwhelming, painful and exhausting. I want to tell you all about it but before I do I want to thank every single one of the 502+ people who have shared our post looking for other women like me. It’s unbelievable how supported we feel. We’ve had so many messages and comments with new info and we’ll follow up every single one. The power of social media for good is real!!

I’m finding it hard to keep up with messaging everyone back but please don’t stop! Know if I don’t reply I do read them all and i genuinely appreciate everyone reaching out. I’m also a little overwhelmed with the emotion of what’s happening so I’m shutting down & going off the grid for a few days for a weekend away with my little family (which was planned months ago as an end of cancer treat).

So, yesterday…. Monday they took 3 biopsies from my rib bone lesion, then Tuesday started high dose radiation for 5 days. When they told me I’d be in more pain and it would get much worse before it gets better I had no idea. I also didn’t expect the first radiation treatment to completely wipe me out with utter exhaustion.

For the last year, I have fought every minute of every day for my health, I have worked so bloody hard. I did everything they asked me to do and some. Walking when I was floored, tough weight sessions at the gym twice a week at least, during treatment and after, and the most positive mindset anyone could imagine. And it took all I have to push through. I did it for my kids so they could have a mum that could play with them and look after them without help, and I did it for myself to get my life back. I did it for Dom and all the people I love so they would know what they meant to me and how hard i’d fight to stay with them. And in just one day I felt stripped of all of it. I’ve said I am ready to fight and to suffer again, but I didn’t expect the pain, utter exhaustion and paralysing fear to hit so soon. Too soon! Bone cancer hurts… it really f’ing hurts. Yesterday I remembered what I felt at my lowest points in the last year, and there’s a reason your body forgets pain. So you can get up and go on! And it’s not until you are back there on the floor, exhausted & hurting that you remember how hard the fight really is.

Besides the physical suffering the day started incredibly badly. Dom was out of the house before we all woke and Noah woke up before me. He tried to wake me. No luck. He ate an Apple watched tv and tried to wake me. No luck. So he got my phone and started calling people until he got my sister (who lives over the road), and asked her to come and make him breakfast. Uuuughhhh… My heart breaks into a million pieces. I don’t even remember my poor boy trying to wake me. Evie and I were sound asleep while my brave and beautiful boy fought back the fear that his mum wouldn’t wake up, all in the same week as being told his mum was so sick that there’s a chance that ‘the bad cells could win’. My heart breaks into a million more pieces.

I spent the rest of the day in pain, and devastation and on a radiation table amongst other things, crying tears that I couldn’t wipe away as you lie so still, arms above your head, unable to move to wipe the tears that you feel pouring down the sides of your face. Last time I lasted 6 weeks of radiation without a single tear on that table. But the stakes were different, we were always going to win, and now we have to accept the uncertainty that will surely linger for the rest of my life.

Today I’m out of the foetal position. Buoyed by a total stranger calling me to offer advice and well wishes, a mum who has her own breast cancer journey. By one of my closest friends taking me to treatment and cooking me a keto lunch. By another getting me out of bed yesterday, me and Evie fed and ready for the day. By the 502 people who have shared our post for help. By my beautiful, capable sister who never ceases to amaze me. And by my two divine babies who i’m off to beach with to dig our feet in the sand, have an ice cream and take a big calm breath and enjoy the moment.

XoX Lou

If you want to hear how Dom explained my new diagnosis to Noah, grab some tissues and read here