Evie Pops, my beautiful little flamboyant ball of energy. Today, as you celebrate your 10th birthday, I find myself whispering to you from a place beyond this world where love transcends all boundaries. Though my arms cannot hold you, my heart is forever wrapped around yours. I want you to know how proud I am…
Noah has been keen to speak at an event with me. When Alex asked me to share my mental health journey and tie it to their RUOK Day corporate event, I asked Noah at the dinner table if he wanted to join me. He was all over it, like cheese on a pizza. If…
Happy Birthday, Lou! I wish you could see the kids today. They are who you would want them to be, and more.
Dear Noah, You are blossoming. I have a birds-eye view of your life and it is beautiful to watch, just like you. Two areas in your life are shining bright. Your leadership qualities and your interest and increased love of sport. The combination of these two is powerful. You are developing awareness, working on your…
At the end of 2022, I reflected on a year that had me derailed but as December rolled in, I was optimistic and putting my energy into a successful proceeding year and stated; 2023 “is a journey for me to be young. To think about and do things that defy my age. To be happy,…
This first photo was taken a handful of days before Lou found a lump. 18 months later on 12 January 2019, Louise would sprout angel wings. While five years goes by extremely quickly, there are nearly 2000 days in that time. You can’t change a minute that passes by but you can influence the proceeding…
There may be no better way to start 2024 than to fly out of the country at 6 am on January 1 with my two excitable overgrown offspring and 17 days of foreign discovery ahead. After 8000 km in the air, 75 km in two different sardined Japanese trains, a quick sleeping pit stop in…
Unfortunately, I have been knocked unconscious an estimated 25 times in my life. Four of these knocks resulted in memory loss, and three were hospitalised. I’ve become paranoid about various memory incidents I’ve had in recent years, and I’m anxious about the possibility of CTE symptoms coming my way. CTE, or Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, is…
My theory is, I was allocated 15,000 alcoholic drinks at birth. By the time I reached my early 40’s I had drunk them All. This meant my hangovers and recovery time after a binge session became painful and slow. My ability to parent, work and exercise was incredibly diminished. Temperance/moderation didn’t exist in my life.…
On your first day of school six years ago you wouldn’t leave your mamma’s side. Yesterday you were nominated school vice captain, 2024. Your graciousness in not getting the top spot is an inspiration to me on its own. You were genuinely happy for Sammi and simply said “he’s the best boy for the job.”…
Evie Harper, Nine! Your last year as a single digit. I miss you. You have started to thrive athletically, your sporting interests have been a pleasure to watch. You can achieve anything you want in any sport you choose. I know schoolwork doesn’t come as naturally as gymnastics, soccer, basketball or touch footy. I can…
Ciao Benson!! You had a good run buddy. Lou sourced you when she couldn’t get pregnant with Noah, you filled a solid childless void in our home for several years. You kept Lou company when she was debilitated by migraines. Lou always said you knew she was getting sick, that you could sense the seriousness…
Words aren’t going to do this justice because if you haven’t felt it, you haven’t felt it. The thrill of being on the starting gate in a moto is an unrivalled intense experience that can be difficult to put into words. It’s a moment of anticipation and excitement that beats all drugs. You feel your…
I’m not all that fussed about Father’s Day and days alike. But if the history of it’s invention is true then I love its origin. Supposedly, Sonora Smart Dodd began campaigning for the creation of the day. Sonora was one of six children raised by their single Father and Civil War veteran – William Jackson…
In the early stages of Lou’s cancer fight, she and her friends hosted a “Girls Night In” fundraiser for the Cancer Council and smashed all money raising records for any previous events of that kind. She spoke so well and displayed so much courage that The Cancer Council wanted her to be an ambassador. Unfortunately,…
I haven’t been very active on my blog but no news is good news. I have continued to write a short diary entry (new habit ) most days, either preparing for the day ahead, reflecting on the day that was, reminding me of the wisdom I have learned, pondering a thought or asking myself “What…
Habits have an impact on every aspect of our lives and to a certain extent they define who we are. Habits play a primary role in our energy levels, sleep patterns, our physical and emotional strength. Habits shape how we respond to decisions and events. Our good habits will aid our personal development and support…
To be voted by your peers is such a tribute to who you are and what you mean to them. I am so proud of you Noah.
There are many things that make you so special Noah. You’ve been a gift ever since you were made just for me. After struggling for several years to grow a baby, you were created to replace my maternal anxiety with love. So much love. My dad’s said since you were born; “there is something special…
I cleaned up my iPhone home screen about two weeks ago so it only has productive widgets along with photo memories that the phone chooses to serve to me. I really enjoy the photo memories and they make me feel good. When your phone has thousands and thousands of images there are some very fun…
I’ve been accruing a number of goals (50 to be precise) and documenting them in preparation for massaging them into a plan and going after them. In the lead-up to turning 50, it’s my ambition to thread these goals into my daily life. I’m conscious of aging and I’m keen to hang onto my youth…
Didn’t that happen with ridiculous haste? Born in the family home, on the floor, in 1978, today I wake up in 2023, on an epic family holiday, with two swiftly-growing “big babies.” And me, a 45-year-old rapidly aging man. Mum was rummaging through some dusty old photo albums and sent me the image above just…
Four Years!! It feels like yesterday Noah and Evie gave you goodbye cuddles. I wish you could cuddle them today. You should see them now!! They have grown into beautiful little people, exactly the way you would have wanted. They keep you present every day Lou Lou. They are you.
I’m excited to tackle the proceeding 365 days. I had my first dry Christmas and NYE in about three decades, setting a standard to be HAPPY, STRONG and HEALTHY. The reality in my life is that I’ve lived more years than I have left. It’s a thought that needs to be turned into action so…
I’m attending a lunch today that has been running for >15 years. It’s a group of mates that get together and have a good laugh. Or even a good cry. Most of the day is beers and banter but the lunch is somewhat progressive for a bunch of washed-up ageing blokes. During the course of…
Little Puffin Rabbit. I have not felt any prouder. To see your peers standing around you today with your award in your hand. Any problems I think I have, just vanished. Your mum is proud of you every day but today she is dancing from star to star with an abundance of joy. ‘Mumma’ mentioned…
I think about this for Noah and Evie every single day………
My Little Girl, Your Dadda’s heart just glows in your presence. I feel the warmth and affection where I rest. In the Sky. Watching. Adoring. Loving. You bring us so much joy. Wow, you have matured this year, sprouting into a big girl with confidence and the early signs of independence. Your development on the…
https://www.youtube.com/embed/aMZ4QL0orw0
Noah and Evie see their grief counsellors, Betsie and Kerri throughout the year. While the benefit truly lies with the kids it’s always been validation for me that for a family that lost its strongest pillar, we’re on the right path. On arrival at The National Centre for Childhood Grief AKA A Friends Place, we…
I’ve been a massive binge drinker since I was a teenager. I’ve been through periods in the late 90s and early 2000s during the rugby selection process where I’ve exercised some control. Still, I have never had drinking and recreational drug use under proper personal management until this year. It’s funny because I gave up…
While this month has been kind it’s also a feeling of reward because I’ve worked hard for it. I kept rolling with the self-help strategy that I shared and it turned over a mental profit for me. I wouldn’t say I’m walking around 24 x7 with a bounce in my step but I’m not dragging…
I committed to a month of cold ocean swims as one of the self-help ingredients in my recipe to get me back to being me. Immersing yourself in the beauty our Sydney harbour and beaches offer is therapy alone. The cold shock to the body is the bonus. For the odd day in the month…
The kids have never slept in their own bed’s. This is Noah and Evie this morning, still dreaming about “candy” and playdates: And this is when they woke up: Lou Lou, I wake up like this every day because of the endless treasures you gifted to me. When do you think they will want to…
Acceptance is a real mess. Last year was a struggle, no denying that. Stages of grief are not linear however some literature will tell you that after being down in the dumps you should turn the corner to a more positive state. As far as the “stages” are suggested to play out, the final stage…
So in January, I decided to have three months off the booze. I had my last alcoholic beverage on Friday the 29th of January this year. I didn’t realise until many weeks into my teetotaling stretch that my three-month stint winds up on your birthday. There is no better day of the year to have…
I don’t really believe in “signs” from those that have left this world. I wish I did but my gut feel is that they are simply coincidences. A few weeks back I was driving past the charming little church Lou and I were married in. I decided to stop and wander around. A melting pot…
Dear Noah, I miss you beautiful boy. I wish I could touch your precious face. I don’t think you realise how important you are to Evie and your daddy. You have become a little rock for them. In many ways, they are anchored to you and it’s your courage and strength that carries them. You…
Hey, where did you go? Why? I’ll wake up tomorrow and it will be two full years. What have I lost?? I lost what we had, which was unrivalled. But we lost our future too. I think this component hurts the most because the future was exiting. Especially with the munchkins. Our future was unmapped.…
Dear Evie, OMG, you’re such a beautiful girl. You weren’t even three when I was diagnosed with cancer. You’d just turned four when I sadly left your world. Now you’re six. Six years old, I truly can’t believe it. A six-year-old girl isn’t meant to have dealt with their own mother’s illness and death for…
My little rabbit asks the the best questions. Well they are the best because: 1.) She asks them all the time, often daily. Which means she’s always thinking about her mum but most importantly she is talking about her. 2.) They are difficult to answer. Especially because they are often about where mummy is and…
Noah had a public speaking project to prepare for and execute. When handed the assignment we discussed subject options. Noah favoured a “Potential Speech Topic” suggested by his school. “My hero is……………………….(could be mum or dad)” I was excited that Noah wanted to talk about his mum and why she’s his hero. A week later…
I regularly envisage Lou walking through the door. I assume this is a prevalent event for any individual that has tragically lost someone they love. It can often evoke a feeling of happiness as it depends on the stimulant for the vision. Most often though, the vision of her presence brings a wave of sadness.…
We’re on a beautiful family holiday in the historic Southern Highlands and the only thing that is missing is Louise. Les, Lynda, Jboy, Liesy, JJ, Sadie Girl, Noah, Bill-Bill, Poppa, The G, Me (Daddy Dom) but no Lou. We’re staying in a charming big house on the northern outskirts misty wintery town of Bowral. Drinking…
Cold bones, yeah, that’s my love She hides away, like a ghost Ooh, does she know that we bleed the same? Ooh, don’t wanna cry but I break that way Cold sheets, oh, where’s my love? I am searching high, I’m searching low in the night Ooh, does she know that we bleed the same?…
It’s always nice to have Lou’s storey revisited and some attention on the narrative that’s unfolding as we push ahead without her. Last Sunday morning the kids and I walked up to the corner store so they could purchase a paper each and flick through the lift-out magazine in search of themselves. It was a…
I’m in a mental rut. I feel like shit. Why? Last year I focused on having more good days than bad days. I felt if I could achieve this overarching objective while still in disbelief and shock I’d be somewhat winning. It was a given that I’d have a bunch of tough days and dealing…
On Friday morning while waiting in the warmth of the sun for our takeaway breakfast, I was flicking through the newspaper while Evie was practising her cartwheels on the footpath and encroaching on everyone’s safe-COVID-space. She stops overturning to ask me an honest question. “Hey Dadda, what do you want to be when you grow…
As mothers day approaches and I tactically prepare the kids for a day that will be a mixed bag of celebrations and sorrow. Sometimes someone else’s words are much better than my own. Noah and Evie both see a grief counsellor from time to time at The National Centre For Childhood Grief. I have copied…
The anxiousness that once unsettled me about ageing has returned. I haven’t sensed this fear for close to ten years. Louise mitigated this angst, it was the underlying reason that motivated me to marry and appreciate getting old. I have a large tattoo on my left ribs that says; “Omne Vil Nihil,” which translates as;…